“Bhai etto shundori hoyeo tumi single kivabe?” (How can you (female) be single even after being this much pretty?) 

This is the most buzzed-about line when one finds out about a pretty girl who does not have a partner in our contemporary urban society. We have also experienced more or less same about some of our female friends and colleagues.

One study by the University of North Carolina at Charlotte answers it: “Attractiveness can convey more power over visible space, but that in turn can make others feel they can’t approach that person if you are highly attractive,” meaning if you are a moderate one, you are highly likely to win someone, which is also backed by evolutionary psychology: “We look for healthy mates and beauty is a way to judge the health of another person; we look for markers in our potential partners. 

The markers are for estrogen and testosterone, such as with estrogen large eyes, small chin, large breasts, thick lips, etc., and with testosterone, large necks, wide chests, strong jaws, lower voices, etc.” 

Then why are they single if they have beauty? What was the crack in the foundation?

There might be various reasons, but at their core, there is something entirely fundamental. We know that conventional beauty is not a prerequisite for having a partner in any way. It does, though, help; it might grab someone’s attention at first but there is something certain that makes them consider a partner. 

Because if it wasn’t the case, then I would never have encountered the incident where two of my female friends from nearly identical socioeconomic backgrounds and with comparable attires attended a 3-day event, and the one with very few conventional beauty markers came home with a few marriage proposals, and the other one with prodigious beauty markers garnered significantly less attention. 

In today’s hyper-competitive society, the age-old rule of “Survival of the Fittest” applies with unerring accuracy, and the definition of ‘fittest’ is multifaceted. In the social and romantic arenas, this fitness is demonstrated through visibility. If you do not proactively establish your presence, you will remain unknown. 

And thus, the fundamental problem is this: passivity. It is therefore illogical to expect the same outcome for someone who expresses herself and engages with people in a social setting and someone who does not.

Therefore, they should understand that loneliness is not merely a matter of circumstance but a construct of their own engineering. And then when they face romantic setbacks, there is a tendency to externalise blame, pointing to ‘fortune’ or a ‘cruel world’. 

This perspective is often reinforced by coping platitudes such as, ‘Good souls don’t deserve love,’ or ‘a good man is waiting for you.’ In doing so, they construct a narrative that casts themselves as inherently ‘good’ and their fate as ‘unfair,’ a mindset that ultimately perpetuates the very isolation they lament.

The most probable reason for their passivity is misunderstanding the most crucial distinction in how one establishes presence. There is a profound difference between letting yourself be known through being social and making yourself known for the sake of others. The former is an act of confidence that  projects who you are; the latter is an act of seeking validation that reveals what you crave. One builds respect, while the other erodes it.

This simple distinction is often hard to grasp, largely due to the misleading narratives propagated by “High-Value Women Coaches” on social media. They teach girls to fear proactivity, mislabeling it as desperation and therefore preaching unavailability and egotism instead to preserve their innate value.

Consequently, these girls internalise this wrong mindset, which is built on a false premise. It erroneously equates a fundamental human skill—the ability to converse—with a sign of desperation. 

Yet, in reality, no one perceives you as desperate for joining a relaxed, unstructured conversation at a social gathering. In fact, society genuinely seeks and values cheerful souls; there has always been a shortage of people who bring energy into a room.

The proof lies in the world’s most successful individuals. Their businesses, relationships, and legacies were all built on a simple, two-step principle: first, be interesting, and second, let others know you are interesting. They are respected, remembered, and admired—never dismissed as desperate. So, admitting this is the path to genuine growth; hiding behind excuses leads to a dead end.

Beauty is best understood as a complementary ornament, not the foundational pillar of attraction. This is even supported by psychology. While beauty’s initial “halo effect” is powerful, it diminishes as we get to know someone. Lasting attraction is built on substance—intelligence, humor, complexities, namely “mere exposure effect”. So, who is objectively more interesting: someone with fairytale beauty and little else to offer, or someone with a wealth of substance? The answer is obvious.

The incident mentioned earlier serves as a clear example of this principle. The friend who received the proposals happened to consistently join conversations and engage playfully, while the other remained reserved at the event, seldom interacting with anyone outside her immediate social circle.

This pattern is not an anomaly. In subsequent conversations with other female friends from different circles of mine who exhibit similar reserve, a common thought process emerged. Their hesitation is often rooted in the core belief of a paralyzing fear of appearing “thirsty” or desperate.

This is solvable through a shift toward a more pragmatic and proactive approach. There are two ways to tackle it: cultivating an engaging self and cultivating an engaging environment.

The latter one is easy to understand. 

In academic arenas, we naturally form comfortable social circles where interaction is effortless. However, the crucial differentiator is the willingness to step beyond these familiar boundaries. This isn’t a critique of introversion; an introvert can be a deep conversationalist. The real issue is a passive mindset rooted in a fear of judgment. 

Unstructured social interactions within semi-familiar groups are often more effective than formal, goal-oriented programmes like competitions, as formal ones showcase a person’s strength in a specific domain, but a casual conversation allows the authentic depth of their personality—their humor, empathy, and worldview—to unfold organically.

And the former one is more subtle but incredibly more powerful. When a girl cultivates a genuine passion, builds a hobby, and showcases it to the wider community in any form, people notice. They first become drawn to her activities and then to her. Thus, she builds invaluable social capital. A positive reputation begins to form, spreading through word-of-mouth to circles beyond her own—to seniors and peers she has never even met.

Combining these two approaches creates a powerful first impression, one founded not on superficial “complexion,” but on compelling “complexity.” This is the jackpot. This also yields an unspoken advantage: when you are a known person, you are usually no longer the seeker but the one being sought, affording you the luxury of filtering partners by your own standards. In contrast, a passive approach yields a scarcity of options, removing the ability to choose at all.

So, they should redirect energy from pursuing partners to investing in their social engagement skills. They should ask themselves instead, “With so much competition, can I afford to do nothing and still expect a good partner? Won’t my spot simply be taken by someone who is doing something- improvising her social engaging skills?” 

By focusing on becoming genuinely interesting for their own sake, not just to get picked up, the dynamic changes. This commitment to self-development is an investment that always yield returns.

Only then will they get the answer to “eto shundori hoyeo kivabe single”, “why life seems ‘unfair’ to ‘good’ souls.” Until then the profound irony of beauty will prevail: an ornament mistaken for the entire treasure.