In what has become a sacred annual tradition, Rockstar Games announced yet another delay for its perpetually upcoming title, Grand Theft Auto VI, pushing it back from its previously planned autumn 2025 launch. And absolutely no one is surprised. However, offering a sliver of hope to fans now considering therapy, the company confidently assured fans that it will release “hopefully before the apocalypse. But we make no promises.” This marks the game’s 13,000th official delay, according to exhausted fan estimates.
Rockstar cited several reasons for the delay: time dilation, a sudden studio-wide obsession with adding real-time grass growth, and the discovery of a new element—Procrastinium—that actively resists code compilation.
GTA 6 was originally expected to launch sometime “soon” after GTA V launched way back in 2013 (back when Vine was still a thing and TikTok was a sound a clock made). Since then, GTA 6 has been in development longer than many rock bands and most human friendships, missing more deadlines than a university student whose internet is powered by a potato.
So, what incredibly important, super-vital tasks are holding up the potential biggest game release ever this time? Our highly unreliable sources, stationed strategically near the Rockstar HQ snack machine, offer these possibilities:
Hyper-realistic puddles: Apparently, the reflections weren’t just showing the sky and buildings, but were reportedly showing glimpses of alternate timelines where GTA 6 was already out. Debugging that took a few centuries off the schedule.
Advanced dog training: Forget fetch! Rumor has it they’re trying to programme the game’s stray dogs to perform complex tasks, like reminding players about their overdue in-game utility bills or offering surprisingly insightful relationship advice. It’s proving difficult.
NPC existential crises: Developers programmed the non-player characters with such advanced AI that they began questioning their purpose within the game, forming support groups, and demanding better virtual wages. Negotiations are ongoing.
Counting the sand: Perhaps the most ambitious task, one anonymous source claims a small team has been tasked with digitally rendering and counting every single grain of sand on Vice City’s beaches. “For realism,” the source added, before presumably going back to counting.
Reaction to the latest delay was mostly muted. After over a decade of waiting, fans have developed a complex emotional state somewhere between hope, resignation, and Stockholm syndrome.
“I’ve had three jobs, two kids, and one existential crisis since GTA V came out,” said one longtime player. “At this point, I’m not sure if I’m waiting for a game or participating in a long-term psychological study.”
Another posted, “I’m just glad they gave us a date before the sun explodes,” said one fan on Reddit. “Now I can die knowing my great-great-great grandchildren might play it.”
At this point, GTA VI has been delayed so many times that some fans have started using it as a benchmark for other projects. “I’ve been working on my novel for three years now,” one fan said, “but hey, at least it’ll probably come out before GTA VI.”
We tried to get a comment from Rockstar, but their official spokesperson, Mr Tommy University (Head of Maybe Later), simply offered a calm nod and said, “We are deeply committed to ensuring every single aspect of Grand Theft Auto VI meets our incredibly high standards. Quality takes time, you know? Like… really takes time.”
“We’re trying to simulate real life,” said one unnamed developer. “That includes the frustration of waiting endlessly for things you were promised years ago.”
Industry analysts are calling the move “bold.” Potay Tochips, an expert who analyses games he hasn’t played yet, noted, “By setting the deadline so far out, Rockstar eliminates pressure. If the universe ends early, hey, it wasn’t their fault they missed the deadline. Genius.”
In the meantime, Rockstar will continue to re-release GTA V on newer platforms, including fridges, calculators, and probably your toaster next month.