In an absolutely predictable plot twist, Donald J. Trump has failed to win the Nobel Peace Prize, a loss that shocked nobody except Trump himself. 

According to Trump, the Nobel committee is “rigged, corrupt, and very unfair to America’s greatest peacemaker.” And of course, they are “run by communists.”

This year’s winner, Venezuela’s opposition leader María Corina Machado, graciously accepted the honour and in a move that confused everyone, dedicated her Nobel to Donald Trump. 

“For inspiring me,” she said. Perhaps she was thanking him for making her look like a saint by comparison. At least she didn’t bomb 10 different countries for “peace”.

Trump, of course, took it literally. “See?” he said at a rally in Texas. “Even the winners know I should’ve won! Tremendous respect for Machado — she’s a big fan. Very smart. Very loyal.”

Meanwhile, the rest of the world tried to process how a man who bombed his way across continents still believes he’s the inventor of peace.

Trump is happy. His team brokered a ceasefire deal between Hamas and Israel while American made bombs have been raining on Gaza for two long years, killing over 70,100 Palestinians. Of course, anything for world peace!

Back home, Trump’s followers held candlelight vigils under the banner “Peace, Not Prizes,” “He brought world peace!” shouted one supporter. When asked to name a single country at peace, she paused, then said, “Florida?”

Just this year, the US Navy — under Trump’s order — blew up a Venezuelan ship suspected of drug trafficking, killing seventeen people.

The Pentagon called it a “precision operation.” Trump called it “beautiful.” When reporters asked whether it might complicate his Nobel prospects, he replied, “No, no, they love that kind of thing. The Norwegians, big fans of fireworks.”

The Norwegians, meanwhile, braced for impact. “We’re preparing for Trump’s reaction,” one Oslo official admitted, nervously eyeing the sky. “Last time he lost, he threatened to hold a peace rally here, with F-16s.”

But while Trump plays the victim card, actual victims are found in Gaza — courtesy of American-made “very efficient” guided missiles. In Gaza, what used to be neighbourhoods bustling with life are now in ruins. Gaza is now a ghost city. 

Schools, hospitals, homes, giggles, children, happiness, hope — all gone. Flattened by the very weapons labelled  “Made in USA.” World peace, no?

Yes, Trump calls it peace. “We stopped the war,” he says. “Israel’s doing a fantastic job. Beautiful work.” The irony burns brighter than the airstrikes that claims to conduct “precision strikes” that, for some reasons, precisely kills children. 

There is no peace in Gaza but why let facts ruin the show? After all, Trump has built his empire on loud noise and very limited vocabulary. I mean, really, how else could you get a loyal fanbase with zero braincells (try asking them about the Epstein files).

Trump boasts of brokering ceasefires that collapse faster than the price of dogecoin. He takes credit for “ending eight wars,” conveniently forgetting he probably restarted at least four of them— in Yemen, Iran, Ukraine, and the one where he picked fights with Greta Thunberg on Twitter.

He even brags about his “historic” border wall. “We built it strong. Nobody gets in,” he says. What he doesn’t say is that while the wall went up, ICE agents went door to door, tearing families apart in the name of “security.” 

Children cried in cages lined with chain-link fences while their parents were deported into uncertainty. “Law and order!” Trump cheered.

Precisely. One big, beautiful wall at a time.

Protesters flooded the streets chanting “Abolish ICE!” and waving signs that read “Families Belong Together.” Trump dismissed them as “angry socialists who hate safety.”

Somewhere, the Statue of Liberty rolled her eyes so hard she nearly dropped her torch.

Even so, Trump’s peace résumé is quite impressive if you grade on numbers of countries you have bombed. 

Still, Trump’s allies were convinced he deserved the Nobel. Pakistan, Cambodia, and  Israel reportedly nominated him, citing his “tremendous peace energy.” Of course, Trump has very explosive enthusiasm for peace.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world held its breath. In Yemen, bombs continued to fall. In Iran, tensions simmered dangerously close to war. In Ukraine, things never got better (probably because Zelensky doesn’t wear suit during meetings). 

Trump insisted these conflicts were “almost over” because, as he explained, “You can’t have war if everyone’s dead already.”

Yet through it all, his confidence was bulletproof. “No one’s done more for peace,” he said during an interview. “I’m like the Prince of Peace. Only richer. And with better hair.”

“Obama got a Nobel for nothing,” he reminded the crowd. “I did so much more! I bombed for peace.” 

He recalled some of the scammers who won a Nobel before, “Mandela, Malala, even the UN, the guy who invented vacuum cleaner and lots of others. Then why shouldn’t I get one?”

Meanwhile, María Corina Machado — the actual Nobel laureate — spoke softly about democracy, dignity, and hope. She mentioned Trump’s name once, dedicating the prize “to all who struggle for peace.” 

Trump heard only “to Trump,” and immediately posted in all caps: “HONOURED BY MARIA’S SUPPORT! TRUE RECOGNITION OF MY PEACE LEGACY!”

In Gaza, no one’s left to post anything. The internet’s down, the buildings are gone, and the sky hums with drones. American-made ones. The so-called “peace efforts” celebrated in Washington are felt as shrapnel in Rafah and Khan Younis. .

But Trump doesn’t see that. For him, peace isn’t the absence of war, it’s the absence of accountability.

“Next year’s my year,” he told Fox News. “If not Peace, maybe Literature. My words are tremendous. Or Chemistry — I have great chemistry with people who love genocide.”

The man’s not wrong, he is great friends with Netanyahu.

But the Nobel Committee still prefers peace “without explosions”. And in Gaza, where the sound of bombs has replaced the sound of life, one can only hope the world eventually understands that peace isn’t something you win. It’s something you stop destroying.

Until then, Trump will keep insisting he’s the world’s greatest peacemaker — proof that in this strange, burning planet we call home, comedy and tragedy are sometimes the same thing.