Imagine if Linkedin suddenly materialized into the real world. You can’t walk five feet without bumping into someone “networking for impact” over coffee. It’s a parallel universe where everyone is “honored to share”, “grateful to announce” and failure doesn’t exist, it’s just “redirection.”

The “Open to Work” badge in real life

Imagine walking around with a giant neon green frame hovering around your face. Everywhere you go people instantly know you are open to work. 

The frame gets brighter the longer you’re unemployed. First week? Subtle mint green. Third month? Neon nuclear green visible from space. You can’t take it off. Everyone knows. Your rickshaw puller asks, “Bhai, chakri hoise?” 

And the worst part? The badge talks to you in a robotic LinkedIn voice ; “Your connection rate has dropped 12%. Consider posting about your skills to regain momentum.”

Connection requests IRL

You’re at a dawat, finally reaching for food, when someone taps your shoulder; “Hey! I’d like to add you to my professional network.” “I see we have 12 mutual connections. I’m in fintech. You’re in… existing? Let’s collaborate.” You accept because you still have to see them for the next two hours and it’s weird now.

Your Uber driver, mid-ride, makes eye contact through the mirror: “I sent you a connection request.” You panic. You’re trapped in a moving vehicle. “I saw your profile. Brand manager, very nice. I’m actually launching a startup. You have seven minutes left in this ride. You accept the request. You accept your fate. This is your life now.

Endorsements gone wild

You wake up and 47 people have endorsed you for “Microsoft Excel” even though you literally don’t know what a pivot table is. Your friend from class 3 who you haven’t spoken to in 15 years endorses you for “Leadership” and “Public Speaking.” You once read out loud in class. Once.

But here’s the thing if someone endorses you, you HAVE to endorse them back. It’s an unwritten rule. Social contract. So now you’re endorsing your cousin for “Data Analytics” when you know for a fact his Excel knowledge stops at making the cells different colors.

The absurdity peaks when your mom’s friend endorses you for “Python Programming.” Aunty, you thought Python was a snake. You asked me why I’m learning about reptiles.

Recommendations: The emotional hostage situation

Your colleague asks, “Can you write me a recommendation?”

You barely know them. You’ve exchanged exactly three emails, two of which were about the AC temperature. But you can’t say no because they helped you once by forwarding a meeting link.

So you write: “I had the absolute pleasure of working with [Name]. Their dedication, innovative thinking, and synergistic approach to collaborative paradigms truly disrupted our workflow ecosystem. A true asset to any team. We would definitely work together again.”

Translation: “They existed in my vicinity. They seemed okay. I legally have to say nice things.”

The horror is they’ll read it and think it’s genuine. Worse? They’ll write one back for you with the same corporate word vomit, and you’ll post it, screenshot it, and feel like you’re accepting an award for… existing in the same office space.

The humble brag economy

In real life, you can’t just announce random things to everyone. But in LinkedIn IRL, you stop random people on the street:

“Thrilled to announce that I’ve successfully completed a 10-episode Netflix series in 2 days!  This wasn’t easy, battled sleep deprivation, ignored responsibilities, but the grind was worth it! Key takeaways:

 1) Time management (watched during meals) 2) Commitment (no breaks during climax) 3) Strategic planning (downloaded episodes for offline viewing). 

Grateful to my Wi-Fi provider for stable connection. This is just the beginning of my binge-watching journey.

#ContentConsumption #Dedication #LifelongLearner #StreamingLife”

Strangers are forced to applaud. 47 people you vaguely know stop their conversations to shout “Congratulations!” Someone wants to know your “secret to balancing entertainment and productivity.” This is your life now.

LinkedIn polls: Democracy nobody asked for

You’re at a cafe and someone walks up with a clipboard: “Quick poll! Which is more important for career growth? A) Skills B) Network C) Luck D) Rich parents.

You try to ignore them but they persist. “Everyone’s voting! 2,847 people have participated! The results might surprise you!” You don’t care. You just want your coffee. But they won’t leave until you vote.

Later, someone else runs up: “Agree or Disagree: Mondays are actually good?” What kind of psychopath… You see the results. 23% agree. You’re concerned about society.

The algorithm: Social credit system

Every interaction is scored. You didn’t react to your acquaintance’s post about their promotion? 5 social credits. You scrolled past your colleague’s motivational quote? 10 points. You didn’t congratulate someone on their work anniversary? Believe it or not, 15 points.

But if you comment “Congratulations!” on 50 posts? +100 points. Your visibility increases. People can suddenly see you at parties. If your score drops too low, you become translucent. Eventually, invisible.

Your friend whispers, “Dude, I can barely see you. Have you been engaging with content?” You haven’t. You’ve been living your life. Big mistake.

The thought leader transformation

Your unemployed friend who used to ask you for assignment answers is now a “Thought Leader.” They speak in corporate riddles:

“Failure is just success in a different font.” “Your vibe attracts your tribe in the B2B paradigm.” “Disrupt yourself before the market disrupts your disruption.”

You ask them what they mean. They don’t know. Nobody knows. But 5,000 people are nodding solemnly, taking notes. Someone’s crying. You’re confused. You’re so confused

The notification avalanche

Your phone buzzes. Once. Twice. Doesn’t stop. You check: “Congratulations on 1 year at your company!” But you’ve been there for 14 months. LinkedIn is late but everyone’s early.

67 people you don’t remember meeting are celebrating your employment anniversary. Your school teacher from 2009 comments, “Always knew you’d do great things!” Ma’am, you literally told my parents I was a “below average student with attitude problems.”

Then the real nightmare: “It’s your connection’s birthday! Wish them well!” You don’t know this person. You’ve never met this person. But if you don’t wish them, the algorithm marks you as “low engagement” and hides you from the professional world.

So you write: “Happy birthday! Wishing you success and happiness!” They reply, “Thanks! By the way, my company is hiring. Are you open to new opportunities?”

Lastly

If LinkedIn was real life, we’d all be exhausted from performing success 24/7. We’d be trapped in an endless cycle of congratulating strangers, endorsing people for skills they don’t have, and pretending every basic life event is a “journey” with “key learnings.”

We’d live in a world where being quiet means you’re not growing, where rest is rebranded as “strategic recharge”.

Thank god it’s just an app you can close.

Oh wait.

You can’t close it. Your career depends on it. Your network lives there. Your professional existence is tied to it.