Can you date a carnivore when you are vegan or vice versa? Nobody warns you about the low-stakes diplomacy involved in dating someone with a completely different diet. You fall for a great person. Everything is going smoothly and then the inevitable happens.

Someone has to pick a restaurant for the third or fourth date. Suddenly, two people who have been smiling at each other for weeks are reading the menu like it is a legal document. One of them is hunting for anything that probably never had a face. The other has already decided on a triple-cheese smash burger and is wondering how this is going to work. It sounds like the setup of a sitcom and honestly it kind of is. These two will not have a big dramatic fight over dinner. What follows is a series of small, ridiculous moments, and after observing a few of them closely, I have some rules.

DO: Treat the menu like a peace treaty

Every clause here matters and every word is said with a smile. When you suggest a restaurant, watch the other person’s face closely. If they say, “I’m sure there will be something for me,” congratulations, you have just signed a deal. They will eat a side salad with great politeness and tell you it is lovely and both of you will know exactly what happened.

DON’T: Read the back of a chip packet in public

Take a simple trip to the supermarket. The vegan picks up a packet of spicy barbecue chips, turns it around and reads the back. The colour of his face changes. Why is there milk powder in a spicy chip? Who approved this? Meanwhile, the meat-lover stands a few steps away holding the basket, completely innocent, and does not say a single word. That is how it starts. From that day every packet gets turned around and questioned like a suspect, and the meat-lover starts feeling personally responsible for the entire dairy industry. Don’t do that. Don’t let that awkwardness creep in.

DO: Let the kitchen go through some changes

The usual rotation of chicken and beef should slowly make room for things the meat-lover has probably never cooked. Cashews should get blended into a creamy Alfredo pasta that tastes like it should not be allowed. The same person who once said a meal without meat is just an appetiser will eventually ask for a second helping.

DON’T: Tempt the vegans

If you are not a plant-based person or not familiar with this type of arrangement, you will feel the urge to describe, right in front of them, exactly what they are missing. Resist. They did not ask how yummy your biryani is, and nobody has ever been converted by someone sighing “mmm” across the table with a full mouth. Be respectful.

DO: Accept the benefits in silence

Animal agriculture is linked to deforestation, greenhouse gas emissions and heavy water use. A couple who share plant-based meals, put oat milk in their morning coffee or keep a few nights a week meat-free are making a real difference to their own footprint. Many studies also link eating less red and processed meat with lower long-term health risks, and whole plant foods bring fibre, antioxidants and steady energy. Nobody needs to hear how many litres of water their dinner saved, though. Nobody has to call it a diet either. The moment it gets a name, someone starts counting, someone starts feeling guilty, and the burger goes into hiding.

DON’T: Cook from the same short list of ingredients forever

Most of us eat from a surprisingly short list of ingredients, cooked in slightly different ways. Your weekly menu has probably looked the same since the last time you changed your phone. Plant-based cooking brings in grains and lentils, vegetables and spices from all over the world. It pulls people out of the same old food routine, whether they asked for it or not.

DO: Learn patience

When you learn to cook and eat around someone else’s choices, you start paying attention. By the sixth week, you will catch yourself asking where the mushrooms came from, what they were grown on and whether they are organic. That is more curiosity than most of us show about anything else in our lives, including the people we sit next to on the bus. You will also pick up some patience with a person whose habits are different from yours, which is a useful thing to have for the rest of the relationship.

The final rule

Nobody in a relationship like this should have to give up who they are. The vegan does not need to turn the other into a vegan overnight, and the meat-lover does not need to hide a love for burgers, although eating one with a little less drama could help. What usually happens is that one person’s way of eating makes the other curious, and curiosity does a lot of the work.

So the next time a date goes quiet over the menu, order what you actually want, and steal a bite from their plate. If the relationship survives a stolen bite of salad, it will probably survive a wedding buffet.