So, you have come up with a brilliant idea — a game-changer? Something that could revolutionise the workplace? Or make life slightly less miserable for your co-workers? And you want to get started on it instantly?
Slow down, genius! This is not how things work.
In the grandiose realm of bureaucracy, we take bold ideas and bury them under 10 layers of process.
Efficiency? That’s appealing, but we do not do that here. Instead, we have protocols, committees, and just enough paperwork to make sure nothing ever gets done.
If you are a novice to the art of killing progress, do not worry! Here is your step-by-step guide to ensuring that no good idea ever sees the light of day.
Step 1: Act excited, then form a committee
When someone pitches a fantastic idea, don’t reject it outright! That would be rude. Instead, say things like, “This is a fantastic idea!” or “We should absolutely explore this!” or “Let’s set up a cross-functional committee!” Then, schedule a meeting for two weeks later because, obviously, urgency is too naive.
Step 2: Expand the committee until it’s unmanageable
A small, focused team could implement this idea in two days. But that’s not the bureaucratic way! Instead, invite everyone: people who have nothing to do with the project, someone who only speaks in corporate jargon, and that one guy who always says, “Let’s take a step back and reassess.” And don’t forget to invite at least two members from the higher management who will never actually attend the meetings.
Step 3: Request a feasibility report
Nothing kills momentum like demanding an extensive report. Make sure to ask for a cost-benefit analysis, 360° risk assessment, full-fledged impact study, and 10-year projection (because why not?). This ensures that by the time the report is complete, the idea will no longer be relevant.
Step 4: Raise concerns that aren’t really concerns
Once the report is done, don’t approve it instantly. Instead, say things like, “This is great, but have we considered the long-term cultural implications?” or “What happens if the global economy collapses while we implement this?” or “Can we benchmark this against industry leaders in Antarctica?”
Congratulations! You have now successfully added another month of pointless debates.
Step 5: Suggest a pilot programme that nobody will ever follow up on
Now, you could move forward with implementation. But why rush? Rather, propose a pilot programme — a small test run in a low-priority department. This will delay the idea further, allow you to gather more data and ensure that no one remembers this project in six months.
Step 6: Change the scope, just for fun
Now that the idea is nearly dead, it’s time for a classic bureaucratic move: Change the entire scope of the project! If it was a simple solution to a small problem, turn it into a massive, multi-phase initiative. Bonus points if you rename it something vague like “Operational Excellence 2030,” or “Future-Ready Transformation Strategy,” or “Synergy Alignment Project.”
Step 7: Reassign the project to a new team
Now that everyone is drained, transfer ownership of the project to a different department — ideally, one that has no clue what the original problem was. It will ensure that everything starts from scratch, past discussions are forgotten, and any remaining enthusiasm is thoughtfully crushed.
Step 8: Wait for leadership to change
The beauty of bureaucracy is that leaders change all the time. A new boss, a new director, or a new government official? Perfect timing! Simply tell them this was started by the previous leadership, or we’re currently re-evaluating our priorities, or let’s hold off until we have more clarity (translation: Let’s never speak of this again).
Step 9: Officially declare the project ‘Under Review’
By now, no one remembers what the original idea was, but just in case someone dares to ask about it, put it under ‘active review.’ If someone follows up, say, “We’re finalising the stakeholder alignment process,” or “We’re awaiting final approvals,” or “We’re in phase zero of execution.”
Step 10: Kill it silently and move on
At some point, the idea will naturally fade away, replaced by newer and equally doomed projects. If anyone asks about it, you can simply act confused and say things like, “Oh, I think that’s still in development,” or “I believe a committee is looking into it,” or “Let me check and get back to you.” (You won’t actually check.) These are some of the most effective responses you can use!
And just like that, another great idea has been successfully destroyed.
Is there a cure for bureaucracy?
Yes! It’s called just doing things — but that’s considered highly treacherous in bureaucratic circles. If organisations and governments genuinely want to get things done, they need to cut unnecessary approval layers, empower people to take quick actions, reward results instead of reports, and stop treating every idea like it’s the blueprint for sending humans to Mars.
Until then, we will continue to hold meetings about meetings about meetings, ensuring that progress remains a faraway dream.
Because at the end of the day, no great idea ever started with a committee — but plenty have died in one.