From TikTok relationship advice to bestselling books and chart-topping songs, attachment theory has become one of the internet’s favourite ways to explain why people love, leave or struggle to connect. But psychologists say the popular theory is often misunderstood.

Originally developed in the 1950s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that our earliest relationships with caregivers help shape how we relate to others later in life. While the theory was once largely confined to psychology classrooms and therapy sessions, it has recently found a new audience online, where millions of people are using it to make sense of dating, friendships and family dynamics. Using insights from a BBC report, this article explains why attachment theory is gaining global attention.

On social media, videos about attachment styles have attracted hundreds of millions of views. The concept has also found its way into popular culture, with fans analysing fictional couples and even interpreting song lyrics through the lens of attachment theory.

For Lizzy Smith, learning about attachment theory helped explain a pattern that had followed her for years. She says relationships often ended after just a few dates because she would suddenly find reasons to pull away, even when she genuinely liked someone.

Reading about the “fearful-avoidant” attachment style finally gave her an explanation. People with this attachment style typically crave emotional closeness but simultaneously fear rejection or abandonment, creating a push-and-pull dynamic that can make relationships difficult to maintain.

Psychologists generally describe four attachment styles.

People with anxious attachment often fear rejection and seek constant reassurance from partners. Those with avoidant attachment value independence and may struggle with emotional vulnerability, distancing themselves when relationships become too intimate.

A fearful-avoidant attachment combines both tendencies, leaving people wanting connection while feeling unsafe in close relationships. Meanwhile, those with secure attachment are generally comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicate openly and are more likely to build stable relationships.

Research suggests securely attached individuals tend to cope better with stress, navigate conflict more effectively and often perform better in professional settings because they are comfortable trusting and collaborating with others.

However, psychologists caution against treating attachment styles as permanent personality labels.

Dr Pascal Vrticka, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Essex, says attachment theory remains one of the strongest frameworks for understanding how people seek support and connection. But he warns that social media has oversimplified the science.

According to Vrticka, one of the biggest misconceptions is the belief that attachment styles never change. While people may show consistent patterns over time, relationships, life experiences and even therapy can gradually reshape how they connect with others.

Major life events such as adolescence, romantic relationships, break-ups or bereavement can all influence attachment patterns. Rather than being fixed for life, psychologists increasingly view attachment as something that evolves through experience.

That shift in thinking is also reflected in the work of psychiatrist Dr Amir Levine, co-author of the bestselling book Attached. Instead of focusing solely on identifying attachment styles, Levine now emphasises how people can develop greater emotional security over time.

He argues that small, everyday interactions play a bigger role than many people realise. A thoughtful text message, a reliable friend or someone consistently showing up when needed can gradually teach the brain that relationships are safe and dependable. These repeated positive experiences, he says, help build what psychologists describe as secure attachment.

Levine also believes people can experience different attachment patterns with different individuals. Someone who feels anxious in one relationship may feel completely secure in another where trust and consistency are stronger.

Experts say the real value of attachment theory lies in recognising behavioural patterns rather than boxing people into fixed categories. While insecure attachment styles can create challenges, they do not mean someone is incapable of healthy relationships.

Instead, psychologists encourage people to use attachment theory as a tool for self-awareness and growth. Understanding why certain situations trigger fear, withdrawal or anxiety can be the first step towards building healthier, more secure relationships.

As attachment theory continues to dominate online conversations, experts agree on one message: it should help people understand themselves—not limit who they believe they can become.