We are often instructed to “love thy neighbour”, yet living in a Bangladeshi flat building suggests that most people interpret this as a personal mission to test each other’s mental sanity.

Over the years, I have experienced the entire spectrum of residential coexistence. I’ve lived next to a lovely teacher from my own school who felt like family. On the other side, I’ve also had neighbours who directly contributed to my academic downfall, simply through their dedication to late-night psychological warfare.

As someone who appreciates a peaceful life, I would like to offer my definitive guide to local coexistence: a set of basic standards that surprisingly few of my building mates seem capable of meeting.

DON’T: Execute 2:00 AM acoustic audits

Good neighbours know how sacred late-night peace is and they try their best to respect it. A few years ago, I was stuck in my living room at 2 AM, surrounded by mountains of past papers, genuinely losing it.

At one point, my front door handle softly clicked, followed by the faintest ring of the doorbell. Then nothing. I was too scared of my syllabus to react or call my parents from the room next door. Still, you have to respect the commitment to play ding-dong-ditch during national exam season.

While I was stressing over my future, at least someone was out there testing the hallway acoustics.

DO: Maintain that high level of commitment in broad daylight

If you choose to turn doorbell-based harassment into an art form, you must eventually bring that same passion into the afternoon sun. A couple of days after the midnight incident, I caught the same guy and his “squad” trying to pull the same prank on me in broad daylight.

It takes a very special mind to move from subtle nocturnal harassment to broad-daylight stupidity, proving that his dedication to being annoying doesn’t follow a schedule.

DON’T: Spam unwanted invitations like a telemarketer

If you invite a neighbour over for tea and get a vague “maybe”, please just take the hint. It’s much simpler than you think it is.

Don’t bother them week after week. If they wanted to come, they would be on your couch eating your snacks already. Cornering them at the lift to ask why they haven’t dropped by is more a hostage situation than hospitality.

Some of us just want to get into our homes and turn our brains off.

DO: Proudly turn the staircase into your personal furniture showroom

A basic neighbour keeps their belongings inside their flat, but a truly visionary one constantly attempts to expand their border into the common area.

Stacking old cardboard boxes, three broken plastic chairs, two generations of dusty luggage and, of course, the million pairs of shoes right outside your door requires a pioneering spirit. It is quite a subtle yet magnificent way of reminding the entire floor that spatial awareness and basic fire safety rules are strictly optional for someone blessed with this much audacity.

DON’T: Start heavy construction work at 6:30 AM on a Friday

Friday is the undisputed crown jewel of the Bangladeshi week, the one sacred morning meant for sleeping in after a brutal five days of work.

Naturally, a top-tier neighbour recognises this as the prime opportunity to begin heavy renovations. Scheduling a full-scale assault of wall drilling and hammer strikes at 6:30 AM on a Friday morning demonstrates an inspiring dedication to municipal improvement.

It is truly heartening to know that your desire to install a new kitchen shelf completely overrides eighty other people’s right to REM sleep.

DO: Showcase your courage in the building WhatsApp group

Why talk to someone face-to-face when you can address a minor issue in the residents’ WhatsApp group with maximum drama?

Dropping a vague, hyper-dramatic message about “certain individuals who don’t know how to live in a civilised society” at 3:00 PM shows a brilliant approach to problem-solving.

It proves you have the absolute bravery of a lion, provided that lion is hiding behind a smartphone screen and refusing to name any names directly.

DON’T: Treat basic courtesy like an unreasonable demand

When a neighbour politely asks you to lower your volume or move a trash bag that is leaking onto the floor, the proper response is not complete and total offense. Looking at them as if they just asked you to explain quantum physics when they request standard peace and quiet is a classic manoeuvre.

Acting like basic consideration for others is an unreasonable burden proves just how effortlessly some people operate on a completely different plane of self-absorption.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social gatherings and warm interactions… up to a reasonable point. I am Bangladeshi, after all; social interaction runs through my veins. However, running a 24/7 psychological experiment on the people living a floor below or above goes far beyond wholesome community spirit.

So, to anyone currently living next to an amateur midnight door-tester, a Friday-morning drill enthusiast, or a persistent invitation-spammer: stay strong. We are actually watching a masterclass in total uselessness. Rather than just being bad neighbours, they stand as living proof of how much effort some people will put in just to accomplish absolutely nothing.