People post photos of cobras, pythons and vipers with captions like, “Happy World Snake Day to my ex.”

As someone who has also survived an emotionally expensive relationship, I would like to issue a formal apology… to snakes.

Because the comparison is deeply unfair.

For starters, snakes are incredibly honest creatures. They hiss before they attack. They don’t text “U up?” at 2:17 am after disappearing for three months after breaking your heart. They don’t watch all your Instagram stories through fake accounts while pretending you no longer exist. They certainly don’t say, “I’m just not ready for commitment,” after being together for years.

Snakes have standards. My ex, on the other hand, had bad vibes and a head full of duplicity.

Scientists estimate there are around 4,000 species of snakes worldwide. Remarkably, none of them have ever said, “I didn’t cheat. It happened by mistake.”

King cobras inject venom, while my ex injected confusion. At least the venom has an anti-venom.

Her mixed signals required three group chats, two best friends, one gym membership and a Spotify playlist called “Focus on yourself bro”.

People fear snakes because they’re unpredictable. That’s misinformation. Snakes are actually very predictable. They hunt, they eat, they sleep, and they leave you alone if you leave them alone.

My ex, meanwhile, could send “Good morning” with a kissy face and “I think we should see other people.” with a straight face within the same 24-hour period. That’s not a reptile. That’s not even a human. That’s a software bug.

And before anyone says, “Maybe you’re just bitter,” let me clarify. I sure am. But it doesn’t mean that I’m wrong.

Snakes shed their skin because they grow. My ex shed personalities depending on who entered the room.

Around her parents, she was a princess. Around her friends, she was an angel.

Around me, she was a customer service representative.

“We apologise for the inconvenience. Your feelings are important to us. Unfortunately, your request for basic communication cannot be processed at this time.”

To add more to that, snakes play an important role in ecosystems. They control rodent populations, maintain ecological balance and contribute to biodiversity.

My ex, on the other hand, spent an alarming amount of time being the very problem snakes are out there solving. Yes, being a rat.

The snake community also deserves recognition for its communication skills. A snake has never said, “I’m fine,” while clearly preparing a 17-page emotional indictment.

It has never liked a five-year-old photo of yours after breaking up to send a cryptic message.

Snakes don’t gaslight. They can’t. You know exactly where you stand with snakes. Honestly, if snakes ran dating apps, the bios would be refreshingly transparent.

“Venomous. Eats mice. Will probably leave.”

Meanwhile, my ex’s bio would’ve read: “Just here for good vibes. No drama.”

Anyone who has that on their bio should be properly investigated by the authorities for being deceitful.

So this World Snake Day, let’s retire the lazy insults. Snakes are fascinating, intelligent and ecologically essential animals. They don’t manipulate or breadcrumb, nor do they lovebomb when they need something from you. They don’t leave your message on read for 19 hours before replying, “sry fell asleep lol”. They don’t keep you around as an emotional insurance policy until someone “better” comes along. They don’t say, “You’re overthinking,” after giving you every conceivable reason to overthink. They don’t repost cryptic relationship quotes hoping you’ll decode them like you’re working for the CIA.

Snakes don’t waste your time.

If they dislike you, they’ll make it abundantly clear through hissing or a venomous bite here or there. That’s honesty and efficiency. Furthermore, that’s professionalism.

So the next time you’re tempted to call your ex a snake, don’t. Snakes have been slandered for far too long.

Happy World Snake Day to every snake out there. You deserve better PR.

Unlike my ex.