Regretting your result and hoping to do your best may save your soul from spiralling into a vet of depression, but society couldn’t care less. Everyone wants answers, and if you, the ever arrogant failure, fail to deliver, then not only will your reputation get hit, but the fragile ego you so desperately want to protect will be deservedly deflated. 

Therefore, as like any other “great” man in history, lazy untalented students such as yourselves must know how to deviate logic, disperse excuses and repudiate accusations with precision and confidence. Here are 4 ways to master such skills 

1. Deny responsibility

Jesus may have died for our sins, but you, my friend, do not belong to that “our” category. Embody what any low grade motivational speaker might say, and repeat it with pure confidence, “I’m different, and this is clearly not my fault.” 

Whose fault is it? 

If your parents or any of your relatives show the AUDACITY to further ask, be prepared to make up semi prepared packaged answers. Options may include: seasonal flu, seasonal depression, seasonal fever, and the occasional headache. If health is a matter of contention, then be prepared to blame the syllabus, the teacher’s personal agenda against you, or the one kid who intentionally told you the wrong answers thereby ensuring the valuable 2 marks you needed to pass. 

You will always be one step away from passing, and any and all externities will be the reason you couldn’t reach the finish line. 

2. Dismiss the result

Can a piece of paper ever define you? Can rot learning ever be evaluated as to having intellect? Is education even worth pursuing in the age of AI? 

Have some deep philosophical talking points ready to woo the judges in your life. The bluff you so effortlessly spew out in front of your friend might not work here, so a well prepared dialogue of sort with appropriate quotes from John Jcck Russo, Voltair, and Niztche will help you cement yourself as the true intellect, one doesn’t need to know math, because math doesn’t anwer the true questions of the universe. 

Whenever they, the ever so judgemental, try to ask you specific questions about your study habits, you should have the foresight to quickly reverse those by asking more deeper questions on the meaning of life and death and the role of religion in contemporary society. 

Remember, seeming to be bright and well read is much more important than being one, because chances are the people judging you won’t be that bright either. 

3. There’s plenty left in the tank

Is a mid exam worth 20/30 marks even that important? What is even the point of striving for 20? 20 isn’t one hundred, even your dull brain knows that, and in the grander scheme of chasing that hundred, 20 isn’t that much of a big deal to worry about, striving for less hasn’t bought anything more to anyone ever. 

Therefore, proudly proclaim that this wasn’t your best effort, you haven’t prepared well, and you did that deliberately. Your mom doesn’t need to know you’ve lost the ability to take in 20 slides worth of material and you can’t even re-write the same math solved by your teacher. 

You’ll put the effort where it will really actually truly unequivocally matter, in the finals, where you, the incapable one, will radically regurgitate 100 slides worth of matter and earn the highest. 

Have the courage to believe in your own rubbish..

4. Fire your Secretary of Defense (scapegoat= phone) 

Let’s face it, you don’t have any real say over what is produced by your brain. Your brain is nothing but a vehicle controlled by the algorithms, and algorithms don’t like it when you put your phone away. 

So, probably the best thing to do is to shift the well deserved blame to the algorithm itself. Who has self control these days anyway, certainly not a dopamine junky like you who’s lost all ability of self control, chasing a breath of excitement reel after reel. 

However, be cautious, your blame should not constitute the disappearance of said device. If such a policy is talked about, be prepared to quickly shift the narrative, highlighting the necessity of online education, thought provoking class note exchanges, and the evergreen argument of the need to keep up with modernity using this holy device.    

In conclusion, your midterms may have sucked but you don’t have to. Always stay true to yourself, never let society dictate your expectations, you set your expectations, and just like the orange lunatic occupying the throne, you too have your throne to care of, and that throne has its sight set for the finals.